funny quotes

funny memes page 1

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there..

 My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car definitely does.

 BE STRONG.. I whispered to my wifi signal..

 Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

 My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.

Every thing I like is either expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

Life is a dick sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

I can't afford a vacation. So I am just going to drink until I don't know where I am.

It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

Why are iphone chargers not called apple juice?

 If you are riding a donkey and someone throws rocka at you and you fall..Would that mean you were stoned off your ass.

 Never trust an atom they make up everything..

If forty is the new thirty, and fifty is the new forty, why can't thursady be the new friday..

 The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.

 Lazy people fact #35463098210. You were too lazy to read that number.

 Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understand the other person is a complete idiot.

I hate math..But I love counting money.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. -Gertrude Stein

 I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water I'd drink it.

 A woman has two problems: Nothing to wear. No room for all the clothes.

 The word phonetically doesn't even start with an 'f'. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us

funny memes page2

Interviewer: so tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. Kinda want this job.

 The last time I saw you, I was hoping it was the last time I saw you.

 Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear.

 I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

 It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits...

 That awkward moment between birth and death.

 Heart: yeah you should tell him. brain: don't fucking do it. Alcohol: Sent,lol

 You are not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

 There is no such thing as an automatic door.. just gentleman ninjas.

 Doctor: Do you suffer from arthritis? Patient: Do you know anyone who enjoys it.

 Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but there is no need to show it off.

 If you are going away with your kids, its not a vacation, its a change in location.

Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

 Zombies eat brains. you are safe.

 If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months

 Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Walmart but only four registers will be open

 Askhole: a person who constantly asks for your advice, but always does the opposite of what you tell them.

A group of kids is called a migraine.

 Cleaning house while the kids are home, is like shoveling snow while its still snowing.

 Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the SEND button by 89 percent.

 What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.

funny quotes colllection

 I admit that my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I'm comfortable with that.

 I'm not everyone's cup of tea... But I drink coffee. So f**k them.

 It's been a rough week. But I didn't need bail money and I don't have a body count, so it could have been worse.

 Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

 I don't understand your specific kind of crazy, but I do admire your total commitment to it.

 'As f**k' is my favorite unit of measurement.

 Raising kids is like walk in the park. Jurassic park.

 This is the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed.

 I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in the car, while using my phone as a torch.

 What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

 I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones who find dead bodies. Just saying.

 Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an over grown man child who can't take care of himself.

 An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

 Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

 Do regular dogs see police dogs and think "Oh, no it's a cop?"

 If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know, that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

 Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the ened, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

 Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.

minion quotes collection

Some people should introduce their upper lip to their lower lip sometime and just shut up.



My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut on his face.



Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.. they forgot to mention morons.



A recent study has found that one in three men are just as stupid as the other two.



There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who are good at math and those who aren't.



Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength, I'll need bail money too.



Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening.



Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?



Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.



I recently applied for a part time job at a mental hospital. Now I'm there full time and they won't let me leave.



I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.



My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them in the face and said, "Tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny" and walked away like a boss.

funny smoking weed quotes

 I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is a herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong. -Willie Nelson

 Whoever laughs last is probably the most stoned.

 The real crime is knowing cannabis can help others, but doing nothing.

 F*ck your opinion, weed is my therapy; it's not a drug, it's a plant.

 I'm sorry, my weed is so loud I can't hear your bullshit.

 I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke it to enjoy reality even more.

 "WEED" stands for: We Enjoy Every Day

 If she can smoke just as much as you, wife that girl.

 My friend prefers alcohol over weed. I prefer watching him clutch the toilet all night long, while I float in space.

 Weed is not a drug. It is a plant, so I am not a drug dealer, I am a florist.

 Smoking weed doesn't make me a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person.

 There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that smoke weed and those that should.

 Thank God cars don't have smoke alarms.

 God made weed; man made beer; in God we trust.

 Herb is the healing of a nation , alcohol is the destruction. -Bob Marley

 I'm on a seaweed diet, I see weed I smoke it.

The sun is high, and so am I.

 Weed is bad. So every time I find some, I burn it.

 Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. But if you're cool, you probably smoke weed.

really funny fb quotes

 Face your problems and not Facebook your problems.

 Facebook is obviously from California because it says 'Like' so many times.

 If I'm not on Facebook for more than 2 days... Call the police!!!

 Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.

 Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

 Dear users, If you wanna cry, use tissue paper not your FB status. Thanks, Facebook.

 Want to make money on Facebook? It's easy. Go into your account settings. De-activate your account and then go to work.

 Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back!!

 Facebook; helping stalkers since 2004.

 Life is like Facebook. People will 'Like' your problems and comment. But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.

 Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

 Welcome to Facebook, the place where relationships are perfect, Liars believe they are telling the truth and the world shows off they are living a great life; where your enemies are the ones that visit your profile the most, your friends and family block you; and even though you write what you are really thinking, someone takes it the wrong way!!!